Monday, July 13, 2015

A Sadness and a Song

** Disclaimer : This post is about miscarriage and does use some graphic imagery that might make some people uncomfortable. **

I was looking forward to sharing a different kind of ultrasound image with you. One with a cute little bean-sized bouncing baby in it.

But I never got to see that ultrasound. 

Instead, I have this image, showing that my miscarriage is complete. In the sterilized language of medical professionals, "there is now no evidence of pregnancy." 



I saw my little chickpea and got to say a goodbye in the dark quietness of a hot, summer night. I never knew how much you could love a little life that still looked so little like a human and so much like an alien. Somehow that didn't matter to me at all. I never knew how a mother's love could lead you to sift through water and blood to find the one I had hoped someday to hold and kiss. Some would claim it was just a fetus, a "mass of tissue" without even arms or legs yet; but as the one who lost and held it anyway, I promise you it was an eternal soul and a human body. And I held it with as much tenderness as I would have a newborn baby. 

I'm sure there may be more to share in the coming months as my family and I process this loss and grief. But I wanted to share because I know there are countless others who have walked this path and others who will yet.  

The deepest encouragement to my husband and I through the night as we lost our sweet child was this song by Nathan Clark George called "Oh My Child". I pray that it might minister to any other hearts trembling through this kind of loss.




Oh my child, I don't even know 
if you are a girl or a boy.
Oh, my Lord, please, if you would,
give a name you might enjoy.
It's hard to let go just as soon as you know 
you've been given a life.
Your mom and dad are hand in hand
with your brother in my lap
praying,
 'Father, take our child.'

Oh Lord, be near us now.
The heart grows faint,
broken tears flow down;
in You there's strength.
Oh Lord, your promises of old
bring strength to weary minds.
And now for this new eternal soul
bring in the bond of Christ.

Oh my child, I don't even know
if you are a girl or a boy.
Oh my Lord, please, if you would,
give a name you might enjoy.
It's hard to let go just as soon as you know 
you've been given a life.
Your mom and dad are hand in hand
with your brother in my lap
praying,
'Father, take our child' 
praying 
'Father, take our child.'

We would appreciate your prayers. Jackson is old enough to understand what has happened. He was so excited for this baby and is taking it hard. When we first told him the sad news, he immediately said we needed to pray and ask God to heal the baby. When we explained it was too late and the baby was gone and with God now, he came to me later feeling sad and said that God hadn't done a good job of taking care of our baby. 

He is four years old and wrestling with possibly the deepest theological question we all inevitably face: "How can God be good when bad things happen?" Pray for us as we shepherd his heart through his own grief. 

I also want to thank every person who was with us through it - both in person, hugging me as I cried and helping with the kids; and those loving and supporting us with tender words from afar. We feel exceedingly blessed with beautiful friends and family.

And to our third little baby: we love you, miss you, will never forget you, and cannot wait to meet you someday.


"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 
I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 
And I heard a loud  voice from the throne saying, 
'Look! God's dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. 
They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. 
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. 
There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'"

Revelation 21:1-4

10 comments:

  1. Thank you for this genuine moment. Praying for you all.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is such a heartbreaking read. Still it is beautiful and powerful. Love you guys so much! Praying for each one of you.

    We love you and miss you little Cotnoir xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Kaitlyn, I'm so sorry! I knew there was something up when I saw you on Sunday. I have been there as you know. I still think of our little bean that we lost 5 years ago. If you need to talk, I am here for you. I completely understand your pain and loss. Praying for you and thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Malaika. I knew you suspected something! Later on the way to the hospital I wished I had just taken you aside and told you, especially so you could help my friends who were watching the kids for us, but I was too emotional at the time and just trying not to break down! Thank you for your kindness and understanding and willingness to be there. It means a lot. We greatly appreciate your prayers.

      Delete
    2. You're most welcome Kaitlyn! I was in the nursery with Naomi so got to hang out with Addie :)

      Delete
  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know your situation exactly but I know about mourning for something lost, but in my case, I mourn for something I've never had.Thank you for being so open and transparent in such a heart breaking moment. Your family is in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Megan. I know you face your own mourning month after month. I know I am blessed to have had this baby, even if for such a short time. Thank you for your encouragement and prayers!

      Delete
  5. Beautiful, and honest post. May the strong arms of Christ enfold your family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I never expected you would see this. Thank you for writing such a poignant and beautiful song out of your own place of pain. On the awfullest of nights, it helped re-align my heart to a place of trust and offering.

      Delete