Tuesday, August 11, 2015

One Month In

One month ago today we lost our third child when I miscarried at 7 weeks. The past few days I have found myself back in the thick of grief over our baby lost. Seeing newborn babies and pregnancy announcements have begun to sting a little. Thankfully it's not in the least of resentment, but of pain, longing, and an almost unbearable panic that I cannot undo what has happened - a reminder of what was going to be but now will not be. I cannot bring back my baby, the growing belly, the hopes and dreams held in that littlest baby lost all too soon. Some days this month I would almost make it through without thinking about the baby. But then it would flood back. A month ago my womb and my future held a third sweet baby I loved and anticipated cradling in my arms. That dream, when recalled, agonizingly slips through my fingers like sand to the earth. My heart is broken.

My first midwife appointment was scheduled for this Friday at 9 am. I was going to hear that sound of a heartbeat that is not mine yet is sheltered within my body. There is nothing like the first time you hear the sound of the heartbeat of your baby. It's always made me laugh and weep at the same time. So much joy! And now it rips through my chest that this baby's heart started and stopped with no one but its Maker to hear it. And though I'm not supposed to, I wonder quietly sometimes, "What if I did something to cause it to stop?" The baby was the size it should have been at 7 weeks so the slip on the deck stairs two days before I miscarried haunts me. I can't fault myself with what was an accident, but it grieves me to think that my have been the cause. What if I just hadn't walked out there that dewy morning? ... This thinking gets me no where but it's there all the same. What if? ...

Images of that night come to my mind out of nowhere sometimes. I had no idea how long a miscarriage could last. I bled three weeks, had a few days relief, and now it has started up again. Every sight of it is like a slap in the face, pulling me back to the freshness of the reality that I essentially gave birth but the baby is gone. All of it leaves me with a hollow aching, a pain new to my heart. How do you move forward from here? Sometimes people hint toward us trying for more children. How on earth do I either have more children or end childbearing on this note? Neither seems bearable to me right now. The empty spot in our family no further children could fill or make us forget. Nothing can replace that baby or fix this ache. Only heaven. There alone lies the Balm to this wound in my heart. 


Oh Father, giver of life and breath. You number all of our days and You care for our sweet child now in Your presence. I know it is better where You are, but my momma heart is still aching, breaking. How do I move forward when in some ways my heart feels buried with my baby in that little grave? Life isn't what I thought it would be. It's somehow both better than I could have imagined and yet also full of more pain and loss than I ever fathomed could coexist with such joy. Thank you for Your comfort offered to the grieving, Your steadfast love that does not change, the peace You freely give in Christ, and the joy You have bestowed that abides deeper and more surely than mere circumstantial happiness. Please draw near to me and any others whose hearts are aching like mine today.

But now, this is what the Lord says --
He who created you, Jacob,
He who formed you, Israel:
'Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.
Isaiah 43:1-3a


  1. Thank you for allowing us to share in what you are going through. And even to help others understand what going through a miscarriage is like. Praying for your family as you continue to miss your little one. <3

  2. Ah Kait, my heart is aching with you! I can't tell you how to move forward, and I know every mother has her special path to walk, but keep holding out beloved God's hand and He will show you the way. Love you! <3