Friday, December 4, 2015

Putting the Crib Away for the First (Last?) Time

This was written last month. Sorry I'm slow getting things posted!


It's been a week of picking my jaw up off the floor as I am continually amazeat the growth in my children. All week they have been surprising me with new skills they have learned while I wasn't watching (or so it feels).

Jackson read words for the very first time a few nights ago and it blew my mind. thought it was probably years off because I haven't even attempted to teach him to read, but that night he just started sounding out letters and putting words together from "Hop on Pop" by Dr. Seuss. By the next day he was saying words out loud to himself, figuring out how to spell them, and then writing them down! Also, after months of being very hesitant to try to learn any French, he also started trying to piece together entire sentences in French with me today. (It may be because I have let him watch an exorbitant amount of Paw Patrol en français in the past few weeks telling myself it's okay because it's "educational," but shhh about that.) My momma heart is soaring and amazed. It's also a bit of a wake up call. So they don't stay little and dependent forever? 

This week alone Addie has shown me she knows how to count to 10 and use scissors. She's been potty training herself - and not in a potty on the floor or on a potty seat - she has been insistent about sitting right on the toilet all by herself, with just a stool for help get up and down. She started dressing herself and talking in ways that left me feeling like I've missed some in-between steps with her somehow. How did she get here already?! This week has me realizing in a very real way that the baby days have left our home. And it has me wondering if they're gone for good.

This past weekend Addie had her last night in the crib. That bedtime was poignant for me as I rocked her and sang with her, and lay her down in the crib - the same crib that I've lain both my babies in over the past five years. The crib we had searched for and chosen with so much delight and anticipation when I was pregnant with Jackson. The crib I had so looked forward to laying our third baby in. The next day we took the crib apart piece by piece and for the first time since we bought it almost five years ago, it went to storage. My heart cried out quietly to God, "Is this the end? Are our baby days over?"

I've been surprised lately how my feelings have changed and how deeply a part of me increasingly longs to maybe try for another baby. And yet it's also accompanied by immediate fears too - what if I lose another? I feel like I couldn't bear it again. Any pregnancy from now on will be different. And there are also other more selfish considerations: pregnancy is hard on me and then there are months, if not years, of exhaustion that come with each babyCan I really do that again? It's just starting to get easier with my oldest two as they gain more independence.

As we moved the crib out of the kids' room, I felt something like a whisper in my heart that it isn't over. I had a deep sense that it would be so much like my Father's character to graciously bless us with another child, another gift. He is so sweet like that. And yet, I don't know. I don't know what His plan is for us. He is just as loving and good if that was the last night I will lay my own child down to sleep in a crib. He knows what is best for us and many times that 'best' has looked far different than what I would have deemed bestI have learned many times that the best thing for me is not often the easiest thing. Many times it has been the hardest road I could have imagined and felt like it might snap me in two. But Scripture has been proven true over and over in my life when it says, "He works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him." The way He leads me I often do not understand and I often still resist, but I have lived through enough to trust it will be proven to be so rich and so good because He's taught me He is enough. He is what my soul longs formost deeply. It's in Him I find my joy and rest. And He will bring about good for me - a truer good than I aspire to for myself.

He has also just been so generous with me. Every day I get to be mom to the two little walking miracles He knit together in my womb and gave to me. I get to see them discover the world and grow every day. I get to learn from and with them about what love really is in the deepest way I've ever known. And I also got to carry another miracle inside me for seven beautiful weeks, and when it went to live with the One it was made by and for, my God lovingly answered my weeping prayers to be able to see my baby and hold it to say goodbye. In holding my seven week old baby I was changed forever. It is now so deeply real to me that I have had a third child. If there are any other children to come, they will be my fourth, fifth, etc. I have been blessed with three beautiful children created in the image of God and given to me to love. Two of them I am blessed to have here with me and the other one I will be with someday when I see Jesus face to face. So many people far more deserving than I long and weep for these blessings that I have received by the grace of God. It is all grace - wonderful, merciful, grace. It is who God is. He is so good and I have much to be thankful for.

So this week we put our crib away for the first time since starting our parenting journey. It may never be used again in our family. And I can embrace what has passed and whatever is before us with a joyful heart - even in the midst of pain at times - because I know Him who heals the brokenhearted and promises far far better is to come. One day when I die I will live in the presence of the One who has made me, chosen me, saved me, kept me, and walked with me every day of this broken life. My children, while great joy-givers, cannot ultimately satisfy me or fulfill me. The only One who satisfies the voids and longings in my heart with Himself is God because He is perfect in love. One day He will make me and all who trust in Him finally whole. And that changes everything about how I live today.


  1. You write in such a beautiful and truthful way. I feel like you write things that are deep on my heart that I cannot put words to. I lost my first baby...and questioned if I'd ever be blessed to be a mom. During my second pregnancy I learned a whole new meaning of prayer and trusting in God. I even question now...will I be blessed with more than 1 child...yet remembering to embrace the gift of the child I've been given. Such a journey where the preciousness of life is seen in a whole new way. Where language that seems to be unappreciated of life, stands out and can be so hurtful.
    Thank you for sharing your helps with healing.

    1. Keshia, you're so encouraging. Thank you! I'm so deeply grateful my words have been able to be of some help or comfort to you. That has been my prayer in processing this pain publicly. I'm so sorry you too have to miss a baby you still long to hold in your arms, even as you are now blessed to be holding your second precious baby. I know all those fears you speak of. After a miscarriage, it is a new level of battling with fear and a difficult call to trust - it is not easy! I pray we both continue to heal and live in faith in the One who loves us and our precious babies. Thanks for sharing and for your kind words.