How I did on my goals for July

I know I'm posting this a bit late. I've had a busy but wonderful week! Before I get to my goals for August, here is a look back at how I did on the goals I had set for July.

As I mentioned when I first started blogging my monthly goals on here, it's so important to give yourself grace as you work toward these things. This was a month I needed a lot of grace for myself as the unexpected and tragic happened with my miscarriage 11 days into the month. Some days in the midst of grief these goals I had made felt like slaps in the face of failure as I just could not find it in myself to buck up and get them done. But after some time, they actually provided a little bit of a lifeline as I am trying to pick myself up off the floor so to speak and keep on.

1. Drink at least 8 glasses of water every day.

I started and ended the month well on this one, but in the middle dealing with our miscarriage meant I just wasn't thinking about how much water I was drinking. Yet having set this as a goal kept it in my mind enough that I definitely did better than usual in this area this month. I've noticed a change in my skin from drinking water more faithfully.

2. Be in bed before 11 and be up before the kids in the morning.

I actually did better in this area in June than July. Many of the goals I set and wasn't able to keep this month don't really matter all that much to me in the grand scheme of things, but this is one I really missed and wish I could have maintained better. It is just so beneficial for me to have adequate sleep and to be awake before the kids.  I am trying to work my way back into discipline in this area. I have been very tired this month. There are a lot of reasons - staying up late crying to/with my husband about the baby, you're naturally more exhausted while grieving, and I wasn't getting good quality sleep at night with so much swirling through my mind. However, I have hope as I head into August that I will be able to get back on track in this.

3. Go camping.

Well, we visited my dad at a camp site, went to the beach there, fished, and roasted marshmallows over a campfire while singing some songs. Does that count?! ... I still want to officially camp in August. My sister-in-law has kindly offered us all the equipment we would need.

4. Spend some time each day playing with the kids.

This went okay. Really, I didn't think too much about it. All I know is we had a lot of great times together this month. I just didn't keep track of it.

5. Get the kids in the pool every day we can.

This has been one of the great joys of this month. In just one month's time both of my kids have gone from tentative and afraid to go in the pool to begging me multiple times a day to get in there. They have discovered the joy of swimming and both of them light up when they are in there. I'm surprised at how much both of them have learned. I am thrilled with their progress and it has been a lot of fun spending so much time together enjoying our pool. 

6. Run 3 times a week using the Couch-to-5k program.

This is the one I struggle the most with feeling like a failure. From the start I wasn't excited about it, but I started the first week and a bit. After the miscarriage happened, it was left behind. The doctor advised to take it easy for a while. In the last week or so as I've started to feel better I have been making exercise a priority again, but have only ran once.

7. Read 2 books.

Phew! I can redeem myself here. Done-zo. This month I read:

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

My mother-in-law had talked to me about this book years ago. When she passed away a few years ago, it got passed along to me. I finally picked it up this month.

The book is about a year-long quest the author went on to become more happy through making resolutions each month she had to live by and it shares what she discovered along the way. It definitely had some interesting points and was a great catalyst at helping me evaluate some things in my life. I liked that she emphasized the need to be you and find what you actually find fun and enjoyable. I took some good things away from it.

The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins

I had seen this on the best sellers lists but didn't know anything about it. I had been hankering for an easy read and one day as I came out of the grocery store loaded down with grocery bags and kiddos, I saw this book on top of the stack at a little donation library there. Perfect. No ordering online or having to traipse two kids into the library - win! It was a thriller and a page-turner so that was great, but a definitely a bit dark and depressing.  

8. Date my husband.

As expected, this was a favourite part of this month. We started the month off with dinner and tickets to see James Vincent McMorrow at the Montreal Jazz Festival. It was lovely. A little over a week later, we miscarried our 3rd sweet baby. There weren't many other official dates this month, but because of the miscarriage we were able to spend a lot of extra time together just the two us (even if it was just at the hospital). This month of dates wasn't how I had envisioned it or would have chosen, but the heart of the goal was to be drawn closer together with the amazing man I'm married to, and that certainly happened. We have been through a lot over the years that we've been together and I've never been more grateful than now for the loving husband God gave me.

9. Finish the Judges Bible study.

This was an easy one to complete because I enjoy these studies so much. Oh Judges, what a book! I'm deeply grateful for Jen Wilkin and her studies like this. I learned SO much. I can't wait to start a new study in August. 



Finally, here are the items we checked off our Summer Bucket List in July:

* Sidewalk chalk our driveway
* Swim at the beach
* Attend VBS at church
* Build a sand castle

And we also repeated a few of the activities we had already done in June. We went back to the zoo two more times this month and played some more games with water balloons.

So that is how July played out for me. It's not quite what I had hoped to be able to accomplish and as I end the month I am still feeling quite sad and struggling to be motivated. However, I am pressing forward and finding that doing some of these things even when I don't feel like it at least helps life move a bit more smoothly and they can help me feel a bit better. How did your month go? What are some goals you have for August? Stay tuned for my August goals soon!

A Sadness and a Song

** Disclaimer : This post is about miscarriage and does use some graphic imagery that might make some people uncomfortable. **

I was looking forward to sharing a different kind of ultrasound image with you. One with a cute little bean-sized bouncing baby in it.

But I never got to see that ultrasound. 

Instead, I have this image, showing that my miscarriage is complete. In the sterilized language of medical professionals, "there is now no evidence of pregnancy." 

I saw my little chickpea and got to say a goodbye in the dark quietness of a hot, summer night. I never knew how much you could love a little life that still looked so little like a human and so much like an alien. Somehow that didn't matter to me at all. I never knew how a mother's love could lead you to sift through water and blood to find the one I had hoped someday to hold and kiss. Some would claim it was just a fetus, a "mass of tissue" without even arms or legs yet; but as the one who lost and held it anyway, I promise you it was an eternal soul and a human body. And I held it with as much tenderness as I would have a newborn baby. 

I'm sure there may be more to share in the coming months as my family and I process this loss and grief. But I wanted to share because I know there are countless others who have walked this path and others who will yet.  

The deepest encouragement to my husband and I through the night as we lost our sweet child was this song by Nathan Clark George called "Oh My Child". I pray that it might minister to any other hearts trembling through this kind of loss.

Oh my child, I don't even know 

if you are a girl or a boy.

Oh, my Lord, please, if you would,

give a name you might enjoy.

It's hard to let go just as soon as you know 

you've been given a life.

Your mom and dad are hand in hand

with your brother in my lap

praying,

 'Father, take our child.'

Oh Lord, be near us now.

The heart grows faint,

broken tears flow down;

in You there's strength.

Oh Lord, your promises of old

bring strength to weary minds.

And now for this new eternal soul

bring in the bond of Christ.

Oh my child, I don't even know

if you are a girl or a boy.

Oh my Lord, please, if you would,

give a name you might enjoy.

It's hard to let go just as soon as you know 

you've been given a life.

Your mom and dad are hand in hand

with your brother in my lap

praying,

'Father, take our child' 

praying 

'Father, take our child.'

We would appreciate your prayers. Jackson is old enough to understand what has happened. He was so excited for this baby and is taking it hard. When we first told him the sad news, he immediately said we needed to pray and ask God to heal the baby. When we explained it was too late and the baby was gone and with God now, he came to me later feeling sad and said that God hadn't done a good job of taking care of our baby. 

He is four years old and wrestling with possibly the deepest theological question we all inevitably face: "How can God be good when bad things happen?" Pray for us as we shepherd his heart through his own grief. 

I also want to thank every person who was with us through it - both in person, hugging me as I cried and helping with the kids; and those loving and supporting us with tender words from afar. We feel exceedingly blessed with beautiful friends and family.

And to our third little baby: we love you, miss you, will never forget you, and cannot wait to meet you someday.

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 

And I heard a loud  voice from the throne saying, 

'Look! God's dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. 

They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. 

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. 

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'"

Revelation 21:1-4

Jackson's Birthday Festivities

We celebrated Jackson's 4th birthday two weekends ago! I know everyone says it, but, boy, does time ever fly! I can't believe my baby is four years old. I wrote my sweet boy a letter for his birthday which you can read here, if you like. 

We had my brother and sister-in-law from Alberta stay with us for five days and my dad for three, so it was a lot of fun around here. The kids soaked up all the extra love and attention. We packed a lot into those five days. We had Jackson's birthday party on Saturday and celebrated again on his actual birthday on Monday. That meant two cakes, people, and I was not complaining! 

Uncle Jon and Aunt Chantal with Addilyn and Jackson at the top of the "mountain" near our house

The day of his party Jackson woke up and proceeded to run around the house in his underwear, squealing about all of the balloons. I have photos of it to embarrass him at his wedding some day, but I'll spare him blogosphere humiliation. Needless to say, it was pretty cute (and reassuring to me as an emotional momma that turning four does not mean he's ready to start shaving, get a job and move out of the house just yet. 

One of my goals for this month was to throw a birthday party that Jackson would love, not myself or Pinterest (for his 1st birthday I had a lot of fun with a full-out Cat in the Hat theme and about a million DIY projects - very cool, but would lead to a stressed out momma rather than a present one with how full our life is now). He's old enough now to know what he wants (and apparently too young to appreciate how awesome Pinterest stuff is), so I wanted his input on his celebration and I left Pinterest out of it this time. He wanted his family, swimming, to go fishing, and a chocolate cake with chocolate icing and mint chip ice cream. Simple and sweet. So that's what we did!

We had family over on a beautiful, summery Saturday. We swam, chatted, BBQ'd, played, opened presents, ate cake, and Jackson was a happy new 4 year old. On his actual birthday my dad and brother took him fishing and he caught 4 fish! It was a great weekend of celebrating our growing boy and making precious memories. I'm so grateful for our family, near and far, young and old, who came to love on my boy. 

Papa, Jackson, and Great Grammie

Addie munching her 1,000,000th piece of watermelon and snuggling with Aunt Chantal & Uncle Jon

Dad helping him open his gifts!

Blowing out his 4 candles with Great Grandpa cheering him on!

Grandpa giving Jackson his first fishing rod

Time to catch some fish!

I helped him get his fourth fish for the day. (I was way more excited than he was!)

The sun going down on a great day. My baby is four years old!

Summer Bucket List (for Preschoolers)

I posted my goals for the month of June here. Some of them are going well and getting checked off, but others (*ahem* exercise and blogging) have taken a hit the past few days as I was busy having a wonderful time with family I don't get to see often enough who stayed with us for five days and as we celebrated Jackson's birthday with lots of cake over the weekend. (A post will be coming up in the next few days about his birthday festivities.) We were very sad to see my brother, sister-in-law, and dad go home yesterday. The kids are still asking where they went. They are dearly missed already - it was so nice to have so much life in this house. But now it is back to routine for us and getting on track with these goals again!

One of my goals was to do at least one item off of our family's Summer Bucket List every week this summer. So I figured I should go ahead and post the list that we have come up with of things we would like to do this summer in hopes it might inspire you. I know I'm often searching blogs for inspiration and ideas of fun things to do with my kiddos. I have a four-year-old and a one-and-a-half year old so our list is aimed at preschool aged kids.

1. GO CAMPING (EVEN IF IT'S JUST IN THE BACKYARD)

2. SIDEWALK CHALK OUR DRIVEWAY

3. GO FISHING

4. FLY A KITE

5. VISIT THE ZOO

6. WATER BALLOON GAMES

7. MAKE OUR OWN POPSICLES

8. CHOOSE SOME NEW BOOKS FROM THE LIBRARY

9. SWIM AT THE BEACH

10. PAINT ROCKS

11. WATCH FIREWORKS

12. ATTEND VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL AT CHURCH

13. MAKE HOMEMADE LEMONADE

14. HAVE A BONFIRE AND ROAST MARSHMALLOWS

15. COTTAGE WEEKEND ON THE LAKE WITH FAMILY

16. VISIT A NEW PARK

17. BUILD A SAND CASTLE

18. MAKE OUR OWN BUBBLES

19. GO TO A CHILDREN'S MUSEUM

20. HIT UP A SPLASH PAD

I don't know if we will be able to cross them all off this summer. Even if we are only able to check off a few, sweet memories will have been made and it will have been worth it. I find having a list helps remind me to be intentional to try to make each summer special. It gives us options for the days we are looking for something special to do. The next thing I need to do is plan particular dates that will work for some of those items that require a bit of arrangement ahead of time (like the camping and cottage weekend).

I would love to hear any more suggestions you may have. What are you looking forward to this summer? Let me know in the comments below.