What I Love About Getting Older

I'll be 29 years old in a few weeks. I know I'm not exactly at a ripe old age where I can impart deep wisdom about aging, but I am getting older every day, just like you, and along the way we all learn serious life lessons that are worth contemplating. Aging, especially as a woman, is difficult. I see the physical aspects of it - bags and lines under my eyes that weren't there five years ago (thanks, kiddos!), skin that isn't quite what it was, and a metabolism that seems to be getting lazy. We hear constantly about all those things - the horrors of aging and how to prevent it.

But even if I was given the choice, I would never go back.

An older man, actually he was a surprisingly wise gap-toothed truck driver, once told my husband that your 20's are a particularly difficult time because you are still discovering who you are, but you are also making huge decisions and going through major transitions. He said your 30's are smoother. You are generally more settled, more secure in who you are, and have a better idea where you are going in life. Well that sure rings true with me, even as I approach the last year of my 20's. I love where I am today so much more than where I was in my early 20's, and I want to share just a few of the reasons why.

You learn to just accept yourself.

As funny as it sounds, it was a life-changing moment when I watched a well-known beauty YouTuber (shout out to any other Essie Button fans!) unashamedly call herself a homebody. I spent too much of my life feeling awful for and fighting against how much I love a simple life with a lot of time just spent at home. The extroverted, driven, can't-sit-still person is the typical ideal in our culture. I wish I could have realized earlier that who I am is perfectly fine. We can't all be the same or this world would be awfully dull. Yes, there are plenty of things I still wish I could change about myself and many areas I need to grow in, but I'm learning to embrace some of the foundational things about my personality. As I get older, I'm seeking to learn what I actually enjoy doing, rather than trying to fit in to what popular culture says I am supposed to find fun at my age and life stage. I have experienced freedom and joy in discovering who God made me to be.

You learn what a true friend is and how to be one.

When I was a kid, I found it very easy to make friends, and I was proud of the fact that I could be friends with everyone in my class. Even though I was naturally shy and reserved, as a people-pleaser, I found ways to adapt to just about anyone and be on good terms with them. But this approach to relationships did not serve me particularly well as I got older. Through some very painful situations over the years, I learned a lot about true friendship and a lot about myself. I've learned to tame that people-pleasing instinct that adapts who I am to be liked by others, and to just be myself. This wasn't simple to do because I had been supressing my own personality for so long that it took me a while to figure out who I was! I discovered that my true friends love me anyway, just like I love them, and not whatever return I get from our friendship. Even though the number of people that I consider close friends has dwindled significantly in that past ten years, I have no doubt that I am far richer for it. I am blessed beyond belief with a handful of women who I love, who know me, and love me more deeply than I ever thought a friend could. 

I would also like to point out that while my definition of a close friend has narrowed, there is also a freedom I've discovered in allowing new casual friendships to develop naturally. You can be open to new friendships forming at their own pace while leaving all the expectations that can complicate relationships out of it. In knowing what a true friend is and how to be one, you can love people more genuinely because you aren't always looking for how they can serve your needs. You can appreciate each wonderful person you meet in your life for who they are without feeling like it needs to become more.

You find your voice.

Being a people-pleaser, I've always struggled with being open in certain situations or with certain people, particularly about my faith or stances on moral issues. I am deeply sensitive to other people's feelings and I care about them. I generally do not wish to make anyone uncomfortable, but I especially never want to make someone feel judged or condemned when I genuinely love them. For years this has often left me feeling paralyzed and unable to speak to some of those I love the most about what I think is most important. Inside I have so much to share out of a place of love, but I hold back due to fear of what it might be taken as, or a fear that I won't express it properly, or that I will come off as an angry, self-righteous elder-brother type of Christian.

For example, one of the ways this played out is that I would never share a thought-provoking article on Facebook about abortion because I knew people who have had one, completely understood why they did, had deep compassion for their reasons, and knew that without my faith in God's care and love for me I would likely have done the same. It's scary to take a stand when our culture automatically says that to disagree with someone's actions means that you hate that person. I truly love these people, and their abortions in no way made me love them any less, nor do I think that I am any better. Yet I still believe passionately that abortion is completely wrong, and all the more since my experience of holding my own little bean-sized baby after my miscarriage at just 7 weeks.

Another way this expressed itself would be if we had guests at our house who weren't Christians I wouldn't want to pray at dinner for fear of making them uncomfortable.

What this holding back had led to is me never feeling like it's okay to just be myself and live my life the way I feel convicted to live it. There is something about growing older and learning along the way that has released me from the need to please everyone and worry about everything I say or do being taken the wrong way. Spend about two seconds looking in a comments section on a blog post about anything remotely controversial and you'll see that anyone can twist anything to make it sound horrible if they want to. The bottom line is that I know my own heart and motives - I know when I do or say something to someone out of love or when I sinfully slip into hypocritical condemnation and need to ask for their forgiveness. Now I just pray that I will act in love with everyone and that they will sense that. I am still sensitive to others' feelings, but a part of loving someone is being honest with them about who I am. I'm learning to stop worrying about the possible negative outcomes and just focus on loving them from my heart without restraint. This new approach has empowered me to be far more bold, not only in sharing my faith and my convictions, but in affirming my love for people.

Those are just a few things I think are worth loving about getting older. There are likely so many more, and I may keep sharing them in future posts as they come to mind. While I sure don't love the physical aspects of aging, what matters most is who you are and I think there is so much to look forward to as we continue to live life and learn. What about you? What has getting older taught you, gained you? I really want to hear you share what you love about getting older and life lessons you've gleaned in the comments section below.

Image from unsplash.com 

Permission to Mourn after Miscarriage

I know I haven't posted anything in a while. I haven't really known what to say. I have some posts I wrote a few weeks ago - thoughts about decorating my house or whatnot - thoughts that seemed worth sharing then but just don't feel authentic right now. To write about that would feel too much like I was pretending. 

But my fear in writing about what is real to me right now is that it would feel like overkill to many readers. There is a subtle pressure to move quickly through grief and out the other side, usually because it's difficult for people to know how to be around someone who is hurting. I can understand that.

However, as I've thought and prayed about it, I know I need to just write about what is on my heart right now. So that is what I'm going to do, understanding completely that for some it may be of no interest. But for the one who wants to, who needs to hear from another who feels what you do, I write for you.

*****

It's been almost two weeks since my miscarriage, and the strangest part is how quickly life goes back to normal. The sense of normalcy is almost enough to convince me that nothing ever happened. The busyness, the joys, the work, the routines; they are all playing out as before. In some ways the memory of that terrible night feels as though it may have just been a bad dream.  

There was a perfectly beautiful warm summery evening last week. I was making supper to the sound of my children squealing with delight as I watched them through the kitchen window as they splashed around in the pool with my husband.

Joy.

My heart felt like it might just burst from it. Not only joy, but love and thankfulness welled up inside of me - for these beautiful blessings in my life - my amazing husband, my precious kids, this beautiful house God provided for us, the food on our table. Yet in the very same moment, without even having to look in that direction, I had a constant awareness of the little garden plot where my littlest blessing lies buried with a piece of my heart. This is my daily reality since my miscarriage - the truest joy and the deepest aching pain. And I think the pain of losing that little life we loved has made the joy of all I do have all the more palpable. I can honestly say that I'm completely mourning and I'm incredibly joyful at the same time. It is a strange experience, but one that I find echoed in the Scriptures: "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" (2 Cor. 6:10).

I have found that one of the traps you can fall into after a miscarriage is playing mental games to minimize the reality of what happened so you can move on as quickly as possible. It's easy to tell yourself that it wasn't that big of a deal because the baby was only a few weeks old and you never really got to know it, and so on and so forth. This tendency is often reinforced by the fact that most people assume this to be your experience. The reasoning is that, because you never knew it alive, it will be easier to move on quickly. It's not really like losing a child. And while some may find this reasoning convincing, the reality of what did happen is that we lost a child. I may have only known I was pregnant for three weeks before I lost my baby, but a mother's heart loves quickly and eternally (and thank God that it is so).

I got to hold my baby, unlike many women who miscarry. In one sense, it didn't feel like I was holding a baby. A part of me wondered if it even was the baby because it didn't resemble a baby at all (it was only confirmed later, after an ultrasound and a discussion with a doctor). But in that moment as I held it, wept, and felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, I also sensed that I was standing on holy ground. I was overwhelmed by the great sanctity of life.  I knew then in a tangible way what I had believed for a long time: God knits each of us together in our mother's wombs and every human being - no matter how small, how short a life lived, how disabled, how shameful, how broken or lost they feel in life - has great worth in God's eyes and ought to in ours too. We have become a society that values usefulness and productivity to the extent that if a being cannot be a functioning member of society or might hinder that society's progress, they are treated as unworthy of our time, affection, sacrifice, money, and sometimes, unworthy to keep on living. This dehumanizing tendency in our culture can make someone who has lost a child through miscarriage feel as though the life they lost was not worth as much as another life.  

So to the mom who has miscarried a sweet baby, let yourself feel the loss. Of course we will not always feel the pain as poignantly as we do at first, but we will always miss the child we so deeply wanted to hold in our arms.

I need to mourn my baby, not only because I need it for my own emotional health, but also because my baby is worth my remembering and my honouring. There was life that ended in death, just like I too one day will die. "I will go to him, but he cannot return to me" (2 Samuel 12:23). I look forward to the day that I will meet my baby, and in the midst of the present sorrow, it brings me deep joy to think of it. 

(All images in this post from unsplash.com)

The First Day of Moving Forward

** I just wanted to express a deep, heart-felt thank you from my family for the outpouring of love, encouragement, and prayers from so many after my last post. We have felt the prayers of so many. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. **

Yesterday was Phil's first day back at work after our miscarriage and my first day forced into checking back into my life and responsibilities. I feel more thankful than ever for my children (we had a sweet morning making pancakes together, reading, and talking) and yet at the same time stuck in a mental fog that I can't seem to get out of. The demands, injuries, cries, and squabbles of my daily life keep me focused on the here and now, but in the quiet moments I also find myself drifting off, re-processing everything, and shedding tears.

The night of the miscarriage, I was surprised how even at only 7 weeks it felt so much like mild labour. I woke from a fitful sleep at precisely 3:17 AM to the sight of my baby. The air was hot and sticky and that moment - alone in the quiet stillness, holding my third child the size of a bean - was surreal and heart shattering, but it was also a direct answer from my loving Father to my exhausted prayers from the evening before. I had wanted to see my baby, to hold it, I needed that reality of goodbye - and God gave me that.

The next morning I could barely eat my breakfast. We dropped our kids off with our dear friends at church and headed to the hospital. Now I am truly thankful for hospitals, but I also truly dislike being in them. This visit was hours long, it was for some strange reason freezing in there (even though it was one of the hottest days of the summer), the procedures ranged from uncomfortable to excruciating, and only one of the half-dozen staff members I dealt with seemed to be blessed with the ability to show human compassion to a heart-broken patient. That’s maybe a bit harsh, but let’s just say I was hoping for at least a hint of compassion and a bit less incomprehensible medical lingo.

Phil and I buried our little one late Monday night. It wasn't anything particularly thought-out or ceremonial. We just kind of did it. It was late and the kids were in bed. It's a strange thing to do, but it seemed like the least awful thing to do, compared to putting it in the garbage or flushing it down the toilet. I’ve never had to worry about what to do with the tiny body of a little being that never quite got to start living. I felt everything and yet nothing all at once as the dirt covered that tiniest of boxes.

Jackson's tender little heart still is one of the saddest parts of this all. After a day in which looking at him you wouldn't guess it was affecting him at all or even on his mind anymore, last night he was playing quietly with his trucks at our feet when he said, "Mommy, I hope someday we could have another baby, and that it won't die. I don't want all the babies to die.” By which he means he doesn’t want ANY babies to die. My sweet boy. My heart aches for him. It's particularly hard to hear this because right now I can't imagine ever feeling ready to be pregnant again. Pregnancy has never been easy on me, but now I feel like it would be petrifying every step of the way. I don't know what God has in store for us, but that's how I see it now. However, I also realize it's only been a few days since our loss and feelings can change over time.

I feel strange now, not sure how or if I can move forward. My routines and goals that just a week ago brought joy and a sense of freedom now feel like dreaded chores or like clothes that don't quite fit right anymore. Last night I couldn't sleep because of the thoughts swirling in my head. Even this morning as I forced myself to at least get out for a short walk before the kids woke up, I found my mind consumed with what caused this or what I could have done differently to prevent it. The accuser is there pointing the finger. Did I drink too much coffee? Should I not have started running? Was it that little slip I had a few days before that I thought for sure couldn't have hurt anything? On and on it goes, more questions with no answers.

The truth I'm clinging to when the "why's" begin in my head is that God loves me. God Himself knit that baby together in my womb and He loves that baby even more than we do. He knows why it was best this way. He knows why He gave and why He took away. I am not God. I cannot see the beginning or the end. I cannot see the full picture. Some day I will see how all of this was woven into His good and perfect plan. But for today, I choose to have faith in this God who loves me and gave His child for me.

Jesus, I need you. Please put a hedge around my thoughts and my heart and strengthen my faith. Be glorified in this in my life. May an abiding sense of Your deep compassion and love be near any others who are walking through this today. Amen.

God is our refuge and strength, 

an ever-present help in trouble. 

Therefore we will not fear, 

though the earth give way 

and the mountains fall into 

the heart of the sea, 

though its waters roar and foam 

and mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams 

make glad the city of God,

the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her at break of day.

Psalm 46:1-5

A Sadness and a Song

** Disclaimer : This post is about miscarriage and does use some graphic imagery that might make some people uncomfortable. **

I was looking forward to sharing a different kind of ultrasound image with you. One with a cute little bean-sized bouncing baby in it.

But I never got to see that ultrasound. 

Instead, I have this image, showing that my miscarriage is complete. In the sterilized language of medical professionals, "there is now no evidence of pregnancy." 

I saw my little chickpea and got to say a goodbye in the dark quietness of a hot, summer night. I never knew how much you could love a little life that still looked so little like a human and so much like an alien. Somehow that didn't matter to me at all. I never knew how a mother's love could lead you to sift through water and blood to find the one I had hoped someday to hold and kiss. Some would claim it was just a fetus, a "mass of tissue" without even arms or legs yet; but as the one who lost and held it anyway, I promise you it was an eternal soul and a human body. And I held it with as much tenderness as I would have a newborn baby. 

I'm sure there may be more to share in the coming months as my family and I process this loss and grief. But I wanted to share because I know there are countless others who have walked this path and others who will yet.  

The deepest encouragement to my husband and I through the night as we lost our sweet child was this song by Nathan Clark George called "Oh My Child". I pray that it might minister to any other hearts trembling through this kind of loss.

Oh my child, I don't even know 

if you are a girl or a boy.

Oh, my Lord, please, if you would,

give a name you might enjoy.

It's hard to let go just as soon as you know 

you've been given a life.

Your mom and dad are hand in hand

with your brother in my lap

praying,

 'Father, take our child.'

Oh Lord, be near us now.

The heart grows faint,

broken tears flow down;

in You there's strength.

Oh Lord, your promises of old

bring strength to weary minds.

And now for this new eternal soul

bring in the bond of Christ.

Oh my child, I don't even know

if you are a girl or a boy.

Oh my Lord, please, if you would,

give a name you might enjoy.

It's hard to let go just as soon as you know 

you've been given a life.

Your mom and dad are hand in hand

with your brother in my lap

praying,

'Father, take our child' 

praying 

'Father, take our child.'

We would appreciate your prayers. Jackson is old enough to understand what has happened. He was so excited for this baby and is taking it hard. When we first told him the sad news, he immediately said we needed to pray and ask God to heal the baby. When we explained it was too late and the baby was gone and with God now, he came to me later feeling sad and said that God hadn't done a good job of taking care of our baby. 

He is four years old and wrestling with possibly the deepest theological question we all inevitably face: "How can God be good when bad things happen?" Pray for us as we shepherd his heart through his own grief. 

I also want to thank every person who was with us through it - both in person, hugging me as I cried and helping with the kids; and those loving and supporting us with tender words from afar. We feel exceedingly blessed with beautiful friends and family.

And to our third little baby: we love you, miss you, will never forget you, and cannot wait to meet you someday.

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 

And I heard a loud  voice from the throne saying, 

'Look! God's dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. 

They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. 

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. 

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'"

Revelation 21:1-4

Goals for July

So yesterday I shared how I did on my Goals for June. You can read my update on how I did on those here.

Today we are going to take a look at my Goals for July!

1. Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.

This should probably also say, "Give up coffee" or "Limit myself to one cup of coffee a day", but hush. There is no need to be so cruel. Let's not go there just yet. Baby steps, baby steps. More water it is!

2. Be in bed before 11 and be up before the kids in the morning.

Sleep is good for you. So I should probably get more than the 6 hours I've been averaging since Addie started sleeping through the night (before that, it was even less). Ideally, I'd like to be reading in bed by 10 with lights out by 10:30 (apparently the hours of sleep before midnight count for double) and up by 6 in the morning. But I'm also realistic enough to know that it may not always be possible. With it staying light out so late this time of year the kids are often up much later than during the rest of the year, so once they do go down it's nice to get some alone time to relax and chat with my hubby! I don't want to miss out on that, but I will do my best to find some balance.

3. Go camping.

Want to know how much camping equipment we own? Zip. Zero. Nothing. Nada. So this one will be an interesting one to accomplish this month! If you're local, look out. We'll probably be asking to borrow your camping equipment soon. You've been duly warned. 

4. Spend some time each day playing with the kids.

I stay home with my kids so you would think this wouldn't need to be a stated goal and would probably just happen naturally, and often it does. But the reality is that I'm usually very busy all day and it's easy for the day to go by without me stopping everything to just lighten up and play with them for a bit. I'm not a naturally playful person (thank God they have their super fun daddy), but it's an area I want to grow in.  I'm always around as they play and included occasionally, but it's too easy to be only partially checked-in while multi-tasking doing other things. I need to lay aside my love for marking things off my checklist, and just play for a while. I think I need to play with them as much as they need me to play with them. 

5. Get the kids in the pool every day we can. 

My son is a very cautious kid and has had a fear of swimming for quite a while. He's always been content to just sit on the side. Now that we have a pool, I would like the kids to learn to swim as soon as possible. The first step of that is just getting them used to the water and having some fun. I already started this with them and in just one week of getting them in the water almost every day, they have both really relaxed and actually enjoy and look forward it. I want to keep this up! Plus, I think I'm part fish, so I love being in the water anyway. Win win!

6. Run 3 times a week using the Couch to 5k Program.

I wish I was more excited about this one. This will take sheer willpower. I am not excited about it at all (which makes me fear it doesn't bode well for this one). Before I got pregnant with Addilyn I would run 5k's almost every morning like a boss and I loved and enjoyed it. Guys. I tried just running around our little neighbourhood a few mornings this past week, and it did not feel awesome. I always thought this photo was hilarious, but it isn't even accurate because right now when I run I 100% feel like the bottom photo. BUT you just have to press past the jiggles and the leg burning and get 'er done. I want to fall in love with running again. There's no way to do it but to start. So here we go!

7. Read 2 books.

For the past three years I've tried to read anywhere between 25-35 books a year. This year I'm just aiming for 20. I've got to get at it! If you have any recommendations, I'm all ears if you'd like to share your favourites in the comments below. I try to vary genres as much as I can handle.

8. Date my husband

For a variety of reasons since having kiddos, this has not been our strong point. We have found it really hard to make dates happen regularly, but when they do it's always wonderful. We are so thankful for many sweet family members who bless us by babysitting for us. Going on dates is something we definitely know we need and have been trying to make more of a priority. I can easily say this is the goal I'm looking forward to the most for this month. My husband surprised me with tickets to a concert at the Montreal Jazz Festival tomorrow night so it looks like we will be off to a good start in this area this month!

9. Finish the Judges Bible Study

I managed to complete 6 weeks of the 11 week study in the month of June so I think it's attainable to finish the last 5 weeks this month. I am so passionate about sharing Jen Wilkin's studies with any one I can. It's not because she is the be all end all of Bible studying, but that she challenges women to love God with our minds. She gets you to do the hard work of digging into the Word for yourself in the workbook - even the difficult passages - and think. It's not about her, and I love that. If you want, check out her Bible studies here. The audio and work books are online completely FREE! It's great listening to her teaching talks, but it will be so minuscule in comparison to the richness of listening after you've done the workbook work for yourself. So please don't skip that part! 


*****

So those are a few of my goals for this month! What do you have in mind to accomplish this month? What are some habits you'd like to work on developing or some tasks you've been putting off for too long? I would love to hear in the comments below.